I am not alone

My family is a microcosm of systems-change. From relative stasis we are hurtling towards the carrying capacity of this particular constellation of our system. And as one of the main engineers onboard, can I just say: yikes!

Lest I lost you in the allegory, let me explain. For the past 6 years or so, everyone in my immediate family (spouse, child, parents) have progressed in much the same fashion. While we certainly have made adjustments owing to the maturity of each part of our “system,” we have had the same dependencies, the same relative power dynamics, the same connections, the same balance. And now, all of a sudden, massive shifts: college graduation, work ending, health issues, aging, moves. Throw in a rapidly changing context, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for fear.

I know we have all the tools we need. I know we will create a new, healthy, system that can withstand the challenges of the times ahead. One that builds on the joy and love that will never go away.

But what I know with my brain has not yet reached my body. My body remembers other wholesale shifts: divorces, transcontinental moves, sudden deaths, unemployment, eviction. My body remembers what it needs to stay safe.

This is the realization I have been sitting with since Friday. The fact that my body hasn’t caught up yet. That fact that I am afraid. Strange as it may sound, I have enjoyed this revelation: now I know what this feeling is.

The fear gets smaller every time I say it out loud, every time we walk together, hand-in-hand, towards the unknown. This time, I am not alone.