Loving the self

Photo credit: Anne Haarmark Møllmann, 2016

As I sat down to be in silence for the first time in a week, I heard a voice clearly in my head: Why can’t you do this regularly? Why aren’t you meditating every day: you know it is good for you!

I balked at the tone. Shaming is no way to convince anyone to change their behavior. I know this only too well, as both a parent and a long-time human rights advocate. If shaming worked, the world would look very differently. I am not sure I’d like it, to be honest.

I consciously took another tack, settling into my quiet body with gratitude. Thank you for taking this time, thank you for allowing me space, thank you for holding me as I return to myself.

It felt a bit like an empty incantation at first, but as I repeated it, I started feeling truly grateful. Some unknown fog seemed to lift. My shoulders relaxed, the corners of my lips involuntarily turned upwards. I was no longer fighting the silence, I was embracing it. Meditating didn’t feel like something I had to do, but rather like something I was lucky to get to do, a gift from me to me, a spaciousness to love.

I struggle with the knowledge that this voice is in my head, still, after all these years. If I heard a friend talk like this to themselves, their child, or anyone at all, really, I’d pull them aside to ask what was going on. I think of how different my relationship with my daughter would be if I’d ever treated her like that. In fact, I remember a friend advising me, many many years ago, to treat myself like I treat my daughter: with understanding for her humanity, generosity for her mistakes, and unconditional love for her whole imperfect self. I know this is right. It costs me no effort when it comes to my child. Why, then, is it so hard to do for myself? Even in this question I find remnants of the berating that is antithetical to getting there.

And it is not that I don’t know the answers to this question. It is hard because I am human. It is hard because I expect better from me. It is hard because I know there is always more to do.

There is a common saying about dating or job-searches: beautiful things happen when you stop wanting them so much. I suspect unconditional self-acceptance is similar: it happens when you stop thinking about it, when you finally just let yourself be.